Running in place

I try to calculate every move with precision to make sure that all things fall into place and allow for the next move to occur seamlessly. It just seems easiest to imagine a life with constant progression towards something, anything. I’ve never been one to rest on my laurels; I don’t ever want one moment in my life to define everything about me. I would much rather have a multitude of accomplishments that span a life time. Maybe I’m wrong when I say this but I don’t think anyone ever really desires just to be still or unfilled.

I guess running into enough resistance chasing our dreams could serve as the right amount of discouragement for one to seek refuge in the past. There are occasions that despite our calculating and the careful placement of our steps, our plans are never set in motion. It’s like we tip over the first domino waiting for the subsequent chain of events to take place, only to realize that the placement of each domino is set to far apart for anything to really happen. It’s exhausting to constantly pound the pavement and still remain running in the same place. What’s more exhausting is having no real measure of progress despite all the energy exerted.

But maybe that’s the challenge, with every new target there will be twice the barriers then that of our previous goal/target. Of course it would be easiest if met with little resistance but then where is the thrill of the chase if there’s an apparent absence of any true test of our abilities. We could easily retreat from a challenge after no progress or we can reframe our approach. Perhaps all we need is a new perspective.

I don’t know about you but complacency just doesn’t fit me. I’m ready to stop running in place and start leaving a trail from where I currently find myself. It’s our choice to let that resistance get the best of us or start pushing back.

Blind Spots

Everyone likes to imagine that they have sound judgment; it just makes for better sleep. When I look back at some of the choices I’ve made, I see a pattern of using past experiences, research, my knowledge and consideration of potential consequences; I try to avoid any interjection of emotion at the risk of losing a sense of objectivity (and fail miserably) even with all things considered, only in hindsight do we take note of the blind spots in our own judgment.

I’m not simply referring to the blind spots in our choices that reflect upon our judgment but also our blind spots on the individual’s character/integrity that we surround ourselves with. Maybe we superimpose illusions of grandeur on those individuals, only to find that these illusions are mere delusions. We may want to think the world of a person, despite being constantly let down or even despite hearing this individual passing their judgment on us when we have our back turned.  At some point those blind spots come into focus as well as the choice to keep this individual’s behavior in your blind spot or push them away altogether. I know that I will always have my blind spots but once things come into frame, I have the choice to keep my choices, redirect or correct them, keep said friends or let them go.

Still dreaming

Some of my past failures/mistakes stay with me longer than I care to hold on to. I’ve heard some people say that it builds character, while others say it serves as a reference point of misguided ambitions; whatever the reason for overstaying their welcome, they certainly leant a helping hand to the self-defeating mentality that plagued me the past two weeks. This sudden resurgence of past dissatisfaction coupled with recent decisions added to an overwhelming sense of anxiety, essentially sending me on the verge of leaving LA.

Lost connections and disillusioned by chasing pipe dreams subsequently inspired thoughts of new starts, I allowed these ideas to swirl about my head and I vaguely started planning where my little red car and me would head to next. Shelter at home while I clear my head or a new place to appease my more adventurous nature? As the days came and went, I continued to entertain ideas of my next destination to ease any combative discomforts.

I let myself sleep on it a few more nights, and after Thursday night's music session for Verbal Disclosure, I realized that regardless of any past disappointments, mistakes or missed opportunities, I'm still dreaming and any outlet involving music helps keep my dreaming nature alive. Maybe my manager, Kim and I can get something off the ground to keep me motivated and prevent any debilitating thought process from infiltrating my mind again. I have a few more months of LA left in me; hopefully something good can work out.