The Starting Point

It's not everyday that we pass a road sign that says, "Life as an author, musician, actor, etc starts here! Only 100 miles." Wouldn't that be nice? If we had a definitive place from where to start each endeavor that we undertake it would certainly make the journey far easier to successfully complete. In our reality where daydreams are exiled, we must do our own heavy lifting and cut through the mass of excess foliage that threatens to hide those golden opportunities that subsequently lead us down the path to our dreams. Of course this is all easier said then done and frankly, it's time for me to put my money where my mouth is. I can spend all day thinking and talking about all the great things I can do but unless I start walking the walk, my words will carry the same amount of weight as a feather drifting in the wind.

Last week my head was buzzing with  thoughts concerning a future career, financial obligations, grad school, hopes and dream and to say the least I was overwhelmed. I thought perhaps I was about to have some sort of anxiety attack, in response, I decided to make a list of all the things concerning me at the moment, all the things that I wanted for myself. The result, a melting pot of obligations, goals, dreams and impossibilities. Some of the crazy in my head below:

 -Car balance, School Loan Balance
-Financial Stability
- Live in Sydney, Australia for half a year
-Move to New York
-Career interests: writing, music and acting.
-Grad School: Creative Writing, Psychology

After writing what was on mind, the insecurity and thoughts of impossibility were gone,  it seemed like putting the thoughts onto paper gave them more weight as if anchored down by the pens ink. It made me realize that the first step to allowing a goal or a dream to materialize, is to write it out so you can see how it looks in front of your own eyes. Sometimes we don't want to admit our own dreams to ourselves because even we think they're silly, but if that's what makes you happy and gives you drive, don't let that dream fade away. Just think of writing it out as the starting point of your journey.

If after you haven written out your dreams and hopes and you're still scared and uncertain  because the road ahead isn't illuminated and you can't see the finish line, just think of it as if you are driving at night. E. L. Doctorow once said, "writing is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." I think you can tailor this quote to many, if not all aspects of our life. Anne Lamott further added to Doctorow's quote, " You don't have to see where your going, you don't have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you."


My question for my reader's: What are your dreams? What do you wish to achieve in your lifetime?

Traffic Jam

My driving record proclaims that I've been on the road for six years, I contend that I learned to drive long before that-- even before I could  reach the pedals. The lessons started  at the tender age of 10 months with the general rules of footwork;  precaution and speed limits followed a few years later. A fairly liberal amount of steering took place early at 9 or 10 and continued for several years. Basic rules of checking your rear view mirror and changing lanes were simultaneously added for good measure at 15. At 18, I was granted the ability to choose my destination, I've been on the road ever since.

 At 14, I always knew that I wanted to go to UCLA.The great thing for me was that I had a pretty strong support system that allowed me to make that happen. The many teachers (my parents, siblings, close friends) did a great job with outlining the many  hypothetical situations that happen. Aside from just listening to what they would say, absorbing and creating a decision based on all this information helped me on my journey to UCLA.

At UCLA, I was to learn how it was to steer the wheel independently, making my own mistakes and learning how to pick myself up after my misjudgments. I did a good job at keeping an open mind and open heart so as not to miss out on anything

I've since graduated UCLA and I've been driving down the road frequently traveled and found myself in a traffic jam.  Playing follow the leader was never a game that I enjoyed as a child, unless of course I was the leader, I don't know when I decided it was okay to play it. Anyhow, I find myself in bumper to bumper traffic on the 405, kind of frustrated, but still determined, I've decided to take the next exit.

Even with all the training in the world, deciding on where to take your vehicle is never a simple. Perhaps this blog served as a distraction from reaching my potential elsewhere. I don't think it helps with the postgraduate delirium but I think I've come to the conclusion that this will most likely be my last posting.
Of course, if I ever get the urge to express my thoughts, I won't stop myself from posting on this blog.

Thanks for reading,
-m

Live out loud

People unintentionally lead us to realize things about our self that we completely overlook or choose to overlook. In the past few weeks, I’ve had three people, unbeknownst to them; remind me about my recent introverted and timid stance in respect to things that I want. Perhaps, I needed to hear it from different aspects of my life for it to finally sink in.  

As of recent, I’ve taken a passive stance on things that I want so badly; it just seems like holding on to preserve the idea of something wanted is better than not having it at all. Typically, I am or at least I use to be very organized and would do everything by the book so all would go as planned. By having a sense of control on as many aspects of my life, it’s as if I could take accountability for all my failures. Of course, accountability for our actions and choices is completely reasonable and healthy; it becomes problematic when we start taking accountability for things that we can’t control. Life happens, we can control our actions but we can’t control the actions of others, taking disappointment, failure and frustration personally has a way of making that roar inside of us settle into a whimper.

I was someone who let my roar become a whimper and these people showed me that it’s okay to live life out loud, it’s okay to let go and not to hold on to something wanted so much, it’s okay to hurt when things don’t go as planned, it’s okay feel like you’ve earned or that you deserve something, it’s okay to be happy, it’s okay to be who you are, it’s okay to live the life that you want.

As trite and cheesy as it may sound, today 1.11.11, I’m starting over and although I’m scared I don’t want to let anymore fires in my eyes die because of fear, judgment or my own insecurities There’s no excuses great enough to justify why you let potential collect dust on the shelf---so it’s time to relight the light inside of me and you.

Thank you!

P.S. Keep following those dreams

People trying to scam me

I received this email today it made my day!

SUBJECT: YOU WILL BE ARRESTED IF YOU FAIL TO COMPLY WITH OUR INSTRUCTIONS WITHIN 72 HOURS

Anti-Terrorist And Monetary Crimes Division

FBI Headquarters, Washington, D.C.

Federal Bureau Of Investigation

J.Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, Nw Washington, D.C. 20535-0001

Attention:Honorable Beneficiary,

 

This is to inform you that it has come to the notice of the federal bureau of investigation (FBI) that the sum of $10.5 million united states dollars were transferred from the central bank of Nigeria to the bank of America here in the united states, bearing your name as the beneficiary.

 

We did not believe this at first until we saw the transfer, then we had no other option than to place the funds on hold until you are able to prove to us that you are not a terrorist or a money launderer, by obtaining what is called a diplomatic immunity seal of transfer certificate from the funds originated country.

 

Note that we have done a proper investigation on this transaction and from our investigation, this funds truly belongs to you and it is not a scam, but we have instructed the bank of America not to release the $10.5 million to you until you prove the legitimacy of the funds you are about to receive.

 

As a matter of fact, you will be charged for money laundering and terrorism, if you fail to prove to us that you are not a terrorist or a money launderer by obtaining the above mentioned certificate from the funds originated country,and if you are found guilty as charged, you will go to jail.

 

You have just only 72 hours to prove to us you are not a terrorist, failure to comply with our instruction, you will be arrested and detained until this matter is settled. Meanwhile we have your full contact address which makes it easier for us to arrest you when ever we want to.

 

We are going to direct you on how to obtain the required document from the funds originated country in our next email to you, and your $10.5 million will be released to you as soon as the required document is obtained.

 

Therefore you have been advised to get back to us immediately you receive this email or you will be arrested by the FBI, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

 

For more information's and quick response, reply back to us through this email address: (washingtond.c2008@washington.usa.com)

 

YOURS FAITHFULLY,

Mr. Robert S. Mueller, III

Director Federal Bureau of Investigation

Well, come and get me Mr. Mueller and bring me this 10.5 million that you speak of.

In Good Company

There’s nothing better than a good laugh, a real tear inducing, bellyaching, boisterous feel good laugh. Okay, maybe there are a few things but the sensation of a good laugh and the subsequent feelings have a way of lifting spirits.

For the past two weeks, I’ve had the privilege of spending an extended period of time back home with my family and close high school friends. In 16 days, I probably laughed and enjoyed myself more than I have in the 349 days leading to them. Perhaps it was because I left all my armor in Los Angeles; I wouldn’t need them where I was headed. For some reason I just knew that I wouldn’t.

I got reassurance that leaving my armor behind was the right choice upon arrival; a warm welcome literally and figuratively—hugs and some sun.  It was nice to be completely at ease, no pretenses, just me--silly, idiotic and acting foolishly without any criticism or passing of judgment. It was a relief because as much as I hate to admit this, I spent most of my time last year concerned with what my actions would mean to others so I acted cautiously, more focused on how not to rock the boat because it might upset others. Being around my family helped to boost my self esteem and recognize my self worth, they helped me rediscover that I’m getting too old to be concerned with what people say about me behind my back.

 I ended 2010 and started 2011 on a good note and in good company; I understand where to run to when I’m in need of comfort and support. This epiphany couldn't have been packaged any better with wrapping paper and a massive red ribbon than the form in which it was delivered, unconditional love.