Elevator Buttons

I was walking down the corridor of UCLA's old hospital and waited for an elevator that would take me to the sixth floor. Countless thoughts concerning the mundane activity that would consume the next nine hours of my life had me feeling a little bit depressed. The elevator door opened, inside I found a mother and her young daughter, I took my place in the back of the elevator with my headphones on, staring at the elevator doors as they shut. The child caught my attention as she began to run around in circles and than back to the elevator buttons. She kept running around attempting to reach a new button and fulfill her curious nature.

As the elevator ascended it got me to think, how I have lost that youthful curiosity that makes life and all those mundane activities more tolerable. How and when did that happen? When did we surrender our sense of self and settle for a job that doesn't quench that little curiosity that we have left? Than I began to think how we become conditioned to be a "productive member of society" or a mindless drone. My thoughts became interrupted as the young girl stopped in front of me and looked into my eyes. I smiled, within her eyes you could see a thirst to explore and learn. "How old is she?" I asked the mother. "She's two and a half. She loves these buttons!" She responded. The elevator reached the sixth floor and I said some parting words,  I began to walk down another corridor and it got me thinking about the "elevator buttons" i that I haven't been pushing for sometime now.

One Amazing Year!

I started off last year jumping out of a plane, soon followed the launch of future music sensation, Verbal Disclosure with Logan Yuzna, then came auditions and call backs for a lead role in a film with Pierce Brosnon, only to finish in the runner up, then a trip to Hawaii, auditions for glee, more bar tending, holidays with the family, new head shots, acting classes and dance classes. It's been an amazing year.

The 24th Year: The End

In a few days, I will complete another run around the sun, another 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days of waking up for another chance to get it all right.  During our marathon around the sun, life introduces new issues or opportunities that we must learn to weather or integrate into this new life. Often, old lessons long  forgotten are repackaged for our conscious mind to relearn.  As long as we are making our journey around the sun, we will constantly be learning from  new people, old friends, loved ones, our mistakes and all the things that we encounter; as long as we stay open minded and susceptible to learning then we are doing just fine.

Below I've compiled a list of 24 things that I've learned or relearned in this past year.

1. Help is a good thing. Although some people perceive asking for help as a weakness, it really is a strength. Acknowledging that you don't know exactly what you are doing and seeking help from someone with that experience makes a big difference. Though we may think we know everything, we don't and can't get through life alone without the help of others.

2. Just like people have helped you in the past, lend a helping hand to those that are need. If you get the cold shoulder, it's okay, just know that you did a good thing by offering your assistance.

3. You only get what you put in, if you aren't willing to put in the hard work then you can't expect any results.

4. Smile--a positive attitude makes difficult times more tolerable.

5. Believe in yourself, if you don't have any faith in yourself or your ability, you can't expect anyone to have more faith in you then you have for yourself.

6. Be honest and genuine with your intentions and motives.

7. Don't try to do everything all at once, you'll find more success by focusing on one thing at a time.

8. Never break your promises, it goes without saying, don't make promises that you can't keep.


9. Give credit when credit is due.

10. Drink water--it's your friend.

11. Leave your ego at the door! There's a fine line between arrogance and confidence, don't let the former drag your name through the mud.

12. Take responsibility for your actions.

13. Laugh at yourself, don't take everything seriously.

14. Leave the door open for second chances.

15. Don't make assumptions about anything, it only leads to unnecessary stress.

16. Exercise--your body needs love to.

17. Acknowledge the shades of gray--nothing is absolute, black or white, right or wrong.

18. Reconnect with old friends.

19. Don't let past misfortune jade your outlook on the world, negativity doesn't fit anyone well.

20. Remember to breathe when things get out of hand.

21. Make sure those that you love know how you feel about them. It's okay to tell your family, friends or your significant other that you love or how much you care about them.

22.In terms of career options, we often get caught up in what we should be doing because of other people's expectations but at the end of the day, all that matters is what we want to be doing. Follow your dreams because that's what will bring you the most fulfillment and leave you happiest.

23. Keep knocking on those doors that you want to open.

24. Try to keep an open mind, a beginners mind; embrace the excitement and enthusiasm as if you were experiencing things for the first time.

Again, it's been great writing this blog and I thank you all for reading.

All the best,
mauricio

One Year

In a few days it will be one year since I started this blog. I'm proud of myself, I set out with a goal to have one posting a week for one year and for the most part I have kept well to this promise. In a way I wanted to prove to myself that I still had enough focus to start something and continue until the end. The best part about it was that it was for me,I wasn't trying to get anyone's approval, I just wanted to write continuously again.

When I formulated the idea two years ago, I wasn't sure what I would write about or in what style I would write so I put it off for a year. I had thought for a long time and I remembered a  professor at UCLA and his advice back when I was his student. "You shouldn't write what you know but write what you feel." I took a hybrid of both writing what you feel and what you know with a slight lean towards what we feel going through our daily lives and dealing with the existential angst that constantly begs to be answered.

I put these very private thoughts into my blog week in and week out and this became my very public therapy session that I allowed everyone to take part in. I figured if I'm going though certain things, I'm sure that I have some friends that can relate to trying to figure out what it is that we are meant to be doing.

In the whole process, I really laid out different aspects of what I felt and what I've learned this past year. It's exciting for me to see where I was and how far I've come. I don't know whether I'm past this early adulthood existential angst but I've learned a lot. Life isn't perfect and we don't have to have everything figured out, we just have to be excited to have the opportunity to wake up and try to make this day better than the last. At the end of the day if you still can laugh, cry and feel, rather than being completely indifferent about everything then you are golden. I guess it's being appreciative of everything- all the simple things. We shouldn't let the struggles we face take away that beginner's mind, fight to keep that fire in your eyes forever.

Absolutes

I've developed a bad habit of accepting outcomes of certain events as absolute; when the cards are dealt and they aren't in my favor then I accept it as fact, unchangeable facts. I guess as much as I want certain things in life, I seem to think that I am undeserving. I'm not exactly sure when that developed but it's definitely something I have to learn to deal with. After all, life's a challenge, I wasn't born to come up empty handed, so I'm learning to take life's challenges as they come and fight for what I want.

The idea of the world spinning and not feeling connected  with it, is the most uncomfortable feeling for me.  

Last week

I fumbled through my wallet and searched through the different compartments of my car looking for extra change, luckily I found just enough for one hour at the parking meter. With my head shot and resume in hand, I walked across to the Los Angeles Center Studios. Following the signs outside of the parking entrance, I walked the parameter of the studio lot attempting to adhere to the various signs  prohibiting pedestrians from entering through the parking lot drive way. After a fifteen minute walk and still no luck in finding the entrance, I convinced myself  that instead of being late for my audition I would  park in the parking structure regardless of the cost.

After finding parking in the studio, I reached the casting waiting area and watched the handful of actors and their rituals of rehearsing their lines before being called in.  I decided to sit on the floor outside of the small waiting room and did a once over with my lines. I finally stopped looking over the script and let go of the butterflies that had nestled comfortably inside my stomach. After some time, my name was called and my heart started racing, all I could do was take a deep breath and lay  all my cards on the table.

After finishing up with my audition, I went to work and then a few hours left for another audition, it was tiring but exhilarating.  I think with all things you like to do, you have to put yourself out there and hope that someone believes enough in you to take a chance.

As I returned home after my last audition, I parked my car and walked back to my apartment and  I was smiling from ear to ear.  I was happy because I could feel the ticking underneath my rib cage. In this short walk to my apartment I thought of how  I've made my calculations in the past of where I should be at any given time of my life and how wasteful and harmful it can be to plan out every single detail. In the process of planning, there may have been a great opportunity that was possible to take part in but was missed because of the narrow leeway I gave myself.  If the opportunity is there go for it, no need it holding back.   Having the opportunity to do something that you want to do and actually going after it makes for a life well lived.

"What would you do if you knew you would not fail?”

"What would you do if you knew you would not fail?”

I believe this to be a quintessential question that we should all ask ourselves. If answered honestly, it offers insight on where our passions lie but also some of the reasons that have stunted our attempts to chase after a dream or goal that we deem impossible.


 Regardless of your age or the point in your life that you find yourself in, it’s never too late for the question to be entertained. The reason being is that we spend a lot of time wondering aimlessly through life in hope that someone we encounter will give us a purpose or some sort of direction. Throughout this great search, one of the things you’ll find is exhaustion without any progression. If we are looking for a purpose, we have to find that within ourselves; we can’t wait our entire life for some kind of sage to give us insight on whom we are meant to be or what we are meant to be, we must be proactive on our journey.

We all have our reservations and I can’t speak for everyone but I can speak for myself when I say this, one of the immediate hurdles that I must clear before pursuing different projects has to do with what I have at stake, what I have to lose? But I guess there isn’t much of a challenge without anything at stake. No excuse holds enough weight to keep you waiting in the wings.



So I challenge everyone to ponder Schuller’s question, what would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail? There’s no use in turning off that light of yours prematurely, let it burn and dream.

New Goal: (March 2011)

Pick up printed headshots from managers office and drop them off at Maverick Artists Agency. Have Kim send me the LA casting and other casting website profile information. Additionally, update Actors Access profile with two additional photos. Continue attending John Penney’s acting workshop for the month of March.

Submit Verbal Disclosure’s “Talking About” track to Schuller, Steve S. and Maverick Artist. Continue Verbal Disclosure’s projects—(Rabbit Hole video,  It wasn’t me (parody) and Carefully Constructed.) 

They're just butterflies

The uncertainty of new territory has it’s way of jump starting the nerves, some people like the feeling, some people don’t and I have to admit, I’m not one to cozy up to the unsettling sensation that stirs in your stomach. I guess my discomfort really stems from the idea of not having any control or not being able to foresee whether the path I’m on has a successful destiny.

My manager, Kim Matuka has let me know that I will be represented by Maverick Artists Agency, which is very exciting and scary at the same time. I just wonder sometimes if I’m capable of handling what comes at me. Instead of worrying I should simply let go of my own self-doubts and start looking at the great opportunity I’ve been given. Instead of contemplating the if’s and buts’, I just have to tell myself that they’re just butterflies and if I’m following my dreams, that should be enough to counter the unsettling feeling.  

Money where my mouth is

My entries tend to revolve around the idea of taking chances and really going after what you want in life. Letting that light in your eyes meet tenacity, dedication and focus is a perfect way to get through the obstacles and brick walls that try to derail an honest effort. If you’re willing to put in the work, there’s no reason that you should settle for anything less then what you are capable of.

With that said my credibility wouldn’t be much unless I practiced what I preach and displayed what I’ve been working on.  

MUSIC:

I make up ½ of the group, VERBAL DISCLOSURE! Logan--the other half, creates amazing beats and great flows and we put together some nice sounding music. We've been working for two and half years and I feel that we have really progressed from where we were when we first started. Of course, we still have a long way to go but making the effort and putting in the work is where it counts. We currently have a new song out, “Talking About” and we have a few more tracks on the way- an acoustic piece, a great parody and an ode to Westwood. In addition, we are working on a video for “Rabbit hole.” We are excited for everyone to see and listen to everything we are working on. Here are a few songs for your listening pleasure.

In the solo music realm:

I have been reworking an acoustic track, “Down and Out.” It will soon see the light of day on YouTube. 

Below is a song, In the Sun, created with the very musically talented Adam Hurley. 

ACTING: 

I have great management which has allowed me to go on some great auditions.I had a close call on booking a film, “Bonded” with Pierce Bronson. Read the script—it was a great script and read for the director/writer Mohit Ramchandani, unfortunately, they went with someone else. Life is still good! I also recently auditioned for, “Glee” also no success. However, that has prompted me to go back to my roots—new headshots and starting an acting class again. I’m very excited and ready to work as hard as possible so I can book movie or television show by the end of year. I know that it’s a tough industry crack but I’m ready to start opening doors if people don’t want to let me in.

Question: Just curious, what are some of your goals and what are you doing to make those goals a reality?

One leap

I’ve kept myself near a ledge looking over, attempting to see whether there is a field of mattresses waiting to catch me on my adventure down, but it’s too far to make any real assessment on whether the landing will be a safe one. The only comfort and motivation for my free fall comes in the form of hope and faith that during the leap I’m able to find what I’ve been looking for.

The thought of diving head first into unknown territory certainly produces a level of anxiety. Naturally, taking such chances enhances feelings of apprehension; especially when certain outcomes carry there share of consequences. The thought of irreversible consequences alone keeps us at bay or at the ledge and paralyzes us from seeking something outside of the comfortable. Damn that fear to hell because we are so much better than that and carry so much potential inside of us, it’s because of fear that some people never let their full potential see the light day.

If there is an urge to engage in an adventure or you have a dream, let yourself fall in the direction of your dreams or that adventure. If in the process of our adventure we encounter a hurdles of some sort, we still have the power of making choices to overcome these hurdles.We just have to believe in ourselves and know that we are capable human beings, we may have allowed fear based limitations to prevent us in our past but they don’t have to follow us the rest of the day or tomorrow, we have a choice to make our leaps with an open mind and absorb everything as they come, without any preconceived notions or assumptions.

We are certainly deserving of greatness, sometimes all it takes is a leap in the direction of our dreams, it doesn’t matter whether we land soundly, all that matters is that we believe in ourselves to take that one leap.

Desert Sunset

Brick walls

After a great effort traveling down the path you've been on and the majority of your energy reserves nearly expended, you approach a brick wall; how do you deal with the obstruction blocking you  from your desired path? Do you:
A) Turn around and head back in the direction from where you came
B) Find away to climb over the obstruction
C) Set up camp and try again later.
Or D) Other...please elaborate

As of late, I've had a tendency of picking A, and if you are like me, you may also be thinking what a waste to come so close and then retreat because of exhaustion,  especially when what's on the other side is more rewarding considering the great effort that was put forth to get there. Trying to re-frame this mentality is difficult but I guess I've vouched that upon reaching another brick wall I will think, this brick wall was placed here to remind me how badly I wanted what's on the other side. So in my mind I've decided, I only want there to be one option, to fight on and find a way to climb over the things obstructing me from getting to my next goal.

The Starting Point

It's not everyday that we pass a road sign that says, "Life as an author, musician, actor, etc starts here! Only 100 miles." Wouldn't that be nice? If we had a definitive place from where to start each endeavor that we undertake it would certainly make the journey far easier to successfully complete. In our reality where daydreams are exiled, we must do our own heavy lifting and cut through the mass of excess foliage that threatens to hide those golden opportunities that subsequently lead us down the path to our dreams. Of course this is all easier said then done and frankly, it's time for me to put my money where my mouth is. I can spend all day thinking and talking about all the great things I can do but unless I start walking the walk, my words will carry the same amount of weight as a feather drifting in the wind.

Last week my head was buzzing with  thoughts concerning a future career, financial obligations, grad school, hopes and dream and to say the least I was overwhelmed. I thought perhaps I was about to have some sort of anxiety attack, in response, I decided to make a list of all the things concerning me at the moment, all the things that I wanted for myself. The result, a melting pot of obligations, goals, dreams and impossibilities. Some of the crazy in my head below:

 -Car balance, School Loan Balance
-Financial Stability
- Live in Sydney, Australia for half a year
-Move to New York
-Career interests: writing, music and acting.
-Grad School: Creative Writing, Psychology

After writing what was on mind, the insecurity and thoughts of impossibility were gone,  it seemed like putting the thoughts onto paper gave them more weight as if anchored down by the pens ink. It made me realize that the first step to allowing a goal or a dream to materialize, is to write it out so you can see how it looks in front of your own eyes. Sometimes we don't want to admit our own dreams to ourselves because even we think they're silly, but if that's what makes you happy and gives you drive, don't let that dream fade away. Just think of writing it out as the starting point of your journey.

If after you haven written out your dreams and hopes and you're still scared and uncertain  because the road ahead isn't illuminated and you can't see the finish line, just think of it as if you are driving at night. E. L. Doctorow once said, "writing is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." I think you can tailor this quote to many, if not all aspects of our life. Anne Lamott further added to Doctorow's quote, " You don't have to see where your going, you don't have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you."


My question for my reader's: What are your dreams? What do you wish to achieve in your lifetime?

Traffic Jam

My driving record proclaims that I've been on the road for six years, I contend that I learned to drive long before that-- even before I could  reach the pedals. The lessons started  at the tender age of 10 months with the general rules of footwork;  precaution and speed limits followed a few years later. A fairly liberal amount of steering took place early at 9 or 10 and continued for several years. Basic rules of checking your rear view mirror and changing lanes were simultaneously added for good measure at 15. At 18, I was granted the ability to choose my destination, I've been on the road ever since.

 At 14, I always knew that I wanted to go to UCLA.The great thing for me was that I had a pretty strong support system that allowed me to make that happen. The many teachers (my parents, siblings, close friends) did a great job with outlining the many  hypothetical situations that happen. Aside from just listening to what they would say, absorbing and creating a decision based on all this information helped me on my journey to UCLA.

At UCLA, I was to learn how it was to steer the wheel independently, making my own mistakes and learning how to pick myself up after my misjudgments. I did a good job at keeping an open mind and open heart so as not to miss out on anything

I've since graduated UCLA and I've been driving down the road frequently traveled and found myself in a traffic jam.  Playing follow the leader was never a game that I enjoyed as a child, unless of course I was the leader, I don't know when I decided it was okay to play it. Anyhow, I find myself in bumper to bumper traffic on the 405, kind of frustrated, but still determined, I've decided to take the next exit.

Even with all the training in the world, deciding on where to take your vehicle is never a simple. Perhaps this blog served as a distraction from reaching my potential elsewhere. I don't think it helps with the postgraduate delirium but I think I've come to the conclusion that this will most likely be my last posting.
Of course, if I ever get the urge to express my thoughts, I won't stop myself from posting on this blog.

Thanks for reading,
-m

Live out loud

People unintentionally lead us to realize things about our self that we completely overlook or choose to overlook. In the past few weeks, I’ve had three people, unbeknownst to them; remind me about my recent introverted and timid stance in respect to things that I want. Perhaps, I needed to hear it from different aspects of my life for it to finally sink in.  

As of recent, I’ve taken a passive stance on things that I want so badly; it just seems like holding on to preserve the idea of something wanted is better than not having it at all. Typically, I am or at least I use to be very organized and would do everything by the book so all would go as planned. By having a sense of control on as many aspects of my life, it’s as if I could take accountability for all my failures. Of course, accountability for our actions and choices is completely reasonable and healthy; it becomes problematic when we start taking accountability for things that we can’t control. Life happens, we can control our actions but we can’t control the actions of others, taking disappointment, failure and frustration personally has a way of making that roar inside of us settle into a whimper.

I was someone who let my roar become a whimper and these people showed me that it’s okay to live life out loud, it’s okay to let go and not to hold on to something wanted so much, it’s okay to hurt when things don’t go as planned, it’s okay feel like you’ve earned or that you deserve something, it’s okay to be happy, it’s okay to be who you are, it’s okay to live the life that you want.

As trite and cheesy as it may sound, today 1.11.11, I’m starting over and although I’m scared I don’t want to let anymore fires in my eyes die because of fear, judgment or my own insecurities There’s no excuses great enough to justify why you let potential collect dust on the shelf---so it’s time to relight the light inside of me and you.

Thank you!

P.S. Keep following those dreams

People trying to scam me

I received this email today it made my day!

SUBJECT: YOU WILL BE ARRESTED IF YOU FAIL TO COMPLY WITH OUR INSTRUCTIONS WITHIN 72 HOURS

Anti-Terrorist And Monetary Crimes Division

FBI Headquarters, Washington, D.C.

Federal Bureau Of Investigation

J.Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, Nw Washington, D.C. 20535-0001

Attention:Honorable Beneficiary,

 

This is to inform you that it has come to the notice of the federal bureau of investigation (FBI) that the sum of $10.5 million united states dollars were transferred from the central bank of Nigeria to the bank of America here in the united states, bearing your name as the beneficiary.

 

We did not believe this at first until we saw the transfer, then we had no other option than to place the funds on hold until you are able to prove to us that you are not a terrorist or a money launderer, by obtaining what is called a diplomatic immunity seal of transfer certificate from the funds originated country.

 

Note that we have done a proper investigation on this transaction and from our investigation, this funds truly belongs to you and it is not a scam, but we have instructed the bank of America not to release the $10.5 million to you until you prove the legitimacy of the funds you are about to receive.

 

As a matter of fact, you will be charged for money laundering and terrorism, if you fail to prove to us that you are not a terrorist or a money launderer by obtaining the above mentioned certificate from the funds originated country,and if you are found guilty as charged, you will go to jail.

 

You have just only 72 hours to prove to us you are not a terrorist, failure to comply with our instruction, you will be arrested and detained until this matter is settled. Meanwhile we have your full contact address which makes it easier for us to arrest you when ever we want to.

 

We are going to direct you on how to obtain the required document from the funds originated country in our next email to you, and your $10.5 million will be released to you as soon as the required document is obtained.

 

Therefore you have been advised to get back to us immediately you receive this email or you will be arrested by the FBI, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

 

For more information's and quick response, reply back to us through this email address: (washingtond.c2008@washington.usa.com)

 

YOURS FAITHFULLY,

Mr. Robert S. Mueller, III

Director Federal Bureau of Investigation

Well, come and get me Mr. Mueller and bring me this 10.5 million that you speak of.

In Good Company

There’s nothing better than a good laugh, a real tear inducing, bellyaching, boisterous feel good laugh. Okay, maybe there are a few things but the sensation of a good laugh and the subsequent feelings have a way of lifting spirits.

For the past two weeks, I’ve had the privilege of spending an extended period of time back home with my family and close high school friends. In 16 days, I probably laughed and enjoyed myself more than I have in the 349 days leading to them. Perhaps it was because I left all my armor in Los Angeles; I wouldn’t need them where I was headed. For some reason I just knew that I wouldn’t.

I got reassurance that leaving my armor behind was the right choice upon arrival; a warm welcome literally and figuratively—hugs and some sun.  It was nice to be completely at ease, no pretenses, just me--silly, idiotic and acting foolishly without any criticism or passing of judgment. It was a relief because as much as I hate to admit this, I spent most of my time last year concerned with what my actions would mean to others so I acted cautiously, more focused on how not to rock the boat because it might upset others. Being around my family helped to boost my self esteem and recognize my self worth, they helped me rediscover that I’m getting too old to be concerned with what people say about me behind my back.

 I ended 2010 and started 2011 on a good note and in good company; I understand where to run to when I’m in need of comfort and support. This epiphany couldn't have been packaged any better with wrapping paper and a massive red ribbon than the form in which it was delivered, unconditional love.