One Year

In a few days it will be one year since I started this blog. I'm proud of myself, I set out with a goal to have one posting a week for one year and for the most part I have kept well to this promise. In a way I wanted to prove to myself that I still had enough focus to start something and continue until the end. The best part about it was that it was for me,I wasn't trying to get anyone's approval, I just wanted to write continuously again.

When I formulated the idea two years ago, I wasn't sure what I would write about or in what style I would write so I put it off for a year. I had thought for a long time and I remembered a  professor at UCLA and his advice back when I was his student. "You shouldn't write what you know but write what you feel." I took a hybrid of both writing what you feel and what you know with a slight lean towards what we feel going through our daily lives and dealing with the existential angst that constantly begs to be answered.

I put these very private thoughts into my blog week in and week out and this became my very public therapy session that I allowed everyone to take part in. I figured if I'm going though certain things, I'm sure that I have some friends that can relate to trying to figure out what it is that we are meant to be doing.

In the whole process, I really laid out different aspects of what I felt and what I've learned this past year. It's exciting for me to see where I was and how far I've come. I don't know whether I'm past this early adulthood existential angst but I've learned a lot. Life isn't perfect and we don't have to have everything figured out, we just have to be excited to have the opportunity to wake up and try to make this day better than the last. At the end of the day if you still can laugh, cry and feel, rather than being completely indifferent about everything then you are golden. I guess it's being appreciative of everything- all the simple things. We shouldn't let the struggles we face take away that beginner's mind, fight to keep that fire in your eyes forever.

Absolutes

I've developed a bad habit of accepting outcomes of certain events as absolute; when the cards are dealt and they aren't in my favor then I accept it as fact, unchangeable facts. I guess as much as I want certain things in life, I seem to think that I am undeserving. I'm not exactly sure when that developed but it's definitely something I have to learn to deal with. After all, life's a challenge, I wasn't born to come up empty handed, so I'm learning to take life's challenges as they come and fight for what I want.

The idea of the world spinning and not feeling connected  with it, is the most uncomfortable feeling for me.  

Last week

I fumbled through my wallet and searched through the different compartments of my car looking for extra change, luckily I found just enough for one hour at the parking meter. With my head shot and resume in hand, I walked across to the Los Angeles Center Studios. Following the signs outside of the parking entrance, I walked the parameter of the studio lot attempting to adhere to the various signs  prohibiting pedestrians from entering through the parking lot drive way. After a fifteen minute walk and still no luck in finding the entrance, I convinced myself  that instead of being late for my audition I would  park in the parking structure regardless of the cost.

After finding parking in the studio, I reached the casting waiting area and watched the handful of actors and their rituals of rehearsing their lines before being called in.  I decided to sit on the floor outside of the small waiting room and did a once over with my lines. I finally stopped looking over the script and let go of the butterflies that had nestled comfortably inside my stomach. After some time, my name was called and my heart started racing, all I could do was take a deep breath and lay  all my cards on the table.

After finishing up with my audition, I went to work and then a few hours left for another audition, it was tiring but exhilarating.  I think with all things you like to do, you have to put yourself out there and hope that someone believes enough in you to take a chance.

As I returned home after my last audition, I parked my car and walked back to my apartment and  I was smiling from ear to ear.  I was happy because I could feel the ticking underneath my rib cage. In this short walk to my apartment I thought of how  I've made my calculations in the past of where I should be at any given time of my life and how wasteful and harmful it can be to plan out every single detail. In the process of planning, there may have been a great opportunity that was possible to take part in but was missed because of the narrow leeway I gave myself.  If the opportunity is there go for it, no need it holding back.   Having the opportunity to do something that you want to do and actually going after it makes for a life well lived.

"What would you do if you knew you would not fail?”

"What would you do if you knew you would not fail?”

I believe this to be a quintessential question that we should all ask ourselves. If answered honestly, it offers insight on where our passions lie but also some of the reasons that have stunted our attempts to chase after a dream or goal that we deem impossible.


 Regardless of your age or the point in your life that you find yourself in, it’s never too late for the question to be entertained. The reason being is that we spend a lot of time wondering aimlessly through life in hope that someone we encounter will give us a purpose or some sort of direction. Throughout this great search, one of the things you’ll find is exhaustion without any progression. If we are looking for a purpose, we have to find that within ourselves; we can’t wait our entire life for some kind of sage to give us insight on whom we are meant to be or what we are meant to be, we must be proactive on our journey.

We all have our reservations and I can’t speak for everyone but I can speak for myself when I say this, one of the immediate hurdles that I must clear before pursuing different projects has to do with what I have at stake, what I have to lose? But I guess there isn’t much of a challenge without anything at stake. No excuse holds enough weight to keep you waiting in the wings.



So I challenge everyone to ponder Schuller’s question, what would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail? There’s no use in turning off that light of yours prematurely, let it burn and dream.