Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?

I use to leave doors unlocked and allowed for people to walk through any given time, befriend anyone with no questions asked, accept everyone with no expectations of what they should be or mean to me—in my mind, I just wanted to see the same treatment returned. Perhaps naïve, overly optimistic or stupid, I just thought approaching everyone with a blank slate was best for filling in the space without a preconceived idea of who this person I had just met was; in essence, I wanted for them to paint me a picture without my prejudices interjected.

It’s certainly been a long time since I’ve exercised or practiced this. It just seems that one day I woke up and realized that sometimes when you open yourself up, you leave yourself susceptible for people to cut close to the bone, particularly when you least expect it. Maybe I’m at fault for giving people more trust then we are capable of having without any questions or established boundaries for which to build off of.

Call me crazy but despite run-ins with some opportunistic people, I still want to be my former self, eyes uninterrupted with filters of judgment or caution, it’s just difficult finding a path back.

In a few days people will sing the lyrics inquiring whether “Old acquaintances should be forgotten?” And in my mind I can’t help but think of how awful that sounds contemplating out loud, but in reality, it ‘s a tough question that we have to ask and answer ourselves. Our interactions can be understood by doors, whether they are left locked, unlocked, pushed open, or kept closed--a swinging door inevitably shuts, whether one allows that door to remain unlocked is completely up to us.  It’s just difficult deciphering which of those friendships make us feel good about ourselves because they are actually good for us or because we are far too comfortable and complacent to make new friends. 

Fearless

My year started 15,000 feet in the air staring out the window of a small plane overstuffed with mad people ready to take a leap to feel something that they couldn’t feel with their feet firmly planted on the ground. I watched as those closest to the cabin’s exit disappeared into the partitioned patches of grass shaded in green, yellow and orange. I approached the cabin door and waited for my heart to start racing, waited for it to start pounding vigorously as if it would burst through my chest. For a second, I thought it would never come and then I stepped off the plane and into the air and there it was, hiding discretely behind a blue jump suit, a heart beating with conviction. In this moment of uncertainty, despite all my precautions there was no guarantee that the landing would be as planned but I remained bold, fearless even.

Several months have passed and I haven’t exactly lived up to this boldness that lead me to leap off the plane. If anything, I’ve been quite timid; I’ve shied away from activities with moderate risk attached or any activities that would take me outside routine.

It’s natural to feel fear, but you can’t let it control or limit you.  There’s a need to recognize the courage you have within yourself to do things you wouldn’t otherwise be able to do. Fear is a debilitating thing, recognize it for what it is, the underestimation of ourselves superimposed in plain sight, and move on. Time shouldn’t be wasted wading in fear, progress can only be found via fearlessness.

We are not meant to stay broken

I started laying the bricks back in September, by the time March came around they were stacked up pretty high. Mountainous walls with holes peaking through from the haphazard construction, I deemed my walls complete mid April and sat alone. There I waited for minutes that quickly turned into hours than days, weeks and months. I sat idle bathing in my own self-guilt and pity encased in walls that we’re built from frustration but more so fear. The wise man had warned me several months earlier that even with the cards we are dealt, they should be played with dignity by not sulking in our dissatisfaction of life’s unpredictability but rather to enjoy the romance of the unpredictable.


Of course as stubborn as I am, I took his advice with a bucket of salt and went on my way succumbing to an idea that I had to do it all. The instant the gates opened, the foundation I had come to embrace was nothing more than my own cage that would hold me captive, and I became very much aware that I was a prisoner of my own thoughts. But for some reason I hesitated to let go and move on because to do that would mean to start over from a place where the familiar would become an obscurity.


After several nights of restlessness I stood up and began to hit the walls with my bare fist. I narrowed in on a spot where I had left a large gap, “One, two, three,” I shouted as my fist challenged the strength of the bricks. For a few minutes I felt no pain, I was mentally and emotionally numb so I put all my weight into the last punch and I began to feel a sharp sensation deep in my wrist. I looked down and my arm was drenched in blood. Despite, the pieces of skin and blood that I left on the bricks, I proved to be no opponent for the monster I had created.


Exhausted, in pain and broken I retreated to the ground and entertained the various thoughts that mesmerized my mind until I fell victim to sleep. While entranced throughout that night, the wise man appeared reiterating his words. There he stood over me as I sat on an empty road with a barren desert swallowing the vast space I was surrounded with, “I know that you are in a rush to find the place where you are meant to go,” he paused and I stared at him as we embraced this brief moment of silence, “that direction, that place comes when it needs to, no need to push or force something upon yourself. We are fragile, we are delicate and we break very easily—no need to break yourself…as this society has its way of doing that for us. There is no point in punishing yourself through self-exile. Don’t let your inabilities interfere what with your abilities and don’t blind yourself with thoughts of your past misfortunes. “ I looked down at the road and than into the distance, he said something but I couldn’t distinguish the words as he was speaking above a murmur, as I turned my head around I asked him to repeat himself, he was gone. I stood up and a slight breeze picked up and followed me as I made my way down the road.


The next morning I awoke to a stinging pain in my wrist, blood encrusted knuckles and the words the wise man had imparted. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” I yelled until no more sound would come out. Tears began to blur my vision, as they reached their tipping point they gradually made their way down my cheeks. I stood up, vulnerable, broken but renewed and began to scale up the walls of my cocoon. Pushing through the pain that emanated from my wrist, I climbed to the top and placed the hand through the only opening and allowed my hand to embrace the sun. I pulled my entire body through and sat at the top of my mountainous wall and allowed the tears to flow freely. Much like the evenings dream, the breeze picked up and spoke in a low murmur, “We are meant to falter, we are meant to break but we are not meant to stay broken.” I opened my eyes and looked at the sun and the vast open land of opportunity that was left for me to explore.

High Road

It’s comforting to have an idea of who stands at our corner supporting us when we need it most; sometimes the thought alone helps to get you through the day, it’s like much needed inspiration when your close to folding.

Sometimes though, you’d be surprised at the contradictions between our ideas and reality, those we thought were in our corner, are in fact on the opposing side. They know our weakness, our Achilles tendon; they jab at it until you come down.

Without a doubt it has some sobering effect on the idea of trust and friendship. There’s multiple routes that can be taken, you can get your revenge i.e. eye for an eye, you can burn the bridge or you can take the high road. 

Running in place

I try to calculate every move with precision to make sure that all things fall into place and allow for the next move to occur seamlessly. It just seems easiest to imagine a life with constant progression towards something, anything. I’ve never been one to rest on my laurels; I don’t ever want one moment in my life to define everything about me. I would much rather have a multitude of accomplishments that span a life time. Maybe I’m wrong when I say this but I don’t think anyone ever really desires just to be still or unfilled.

I guess running into enough resistance chasing our dreams could serve as the right amount of discouragement for one to seek refuge in the past. There are occasions that despite our calculating and the careful placement of our steps, our plans are never set in motion. It’s like we tip over the first domino waiting for the subsequent chain of events to take place, only to realize that the placement of each domino is set to far apart for anything to really happen. It’s exhausting to constantly pound the pavement and still remain running in the same place. What’s more exhausting is having no real measure of progress despite all the energy exerted.

But maybe that’s the challenge, with every new target there will be twice the barriers then that of our previous goal/target. Of course it would be easiest if met with little resistance but then where is the thrill of the chase if there’s an apparent absence of any true test of our abilities. We could easily retreat from a challenge after no progress or we can reframe our approach. Perhaps all we need is a new perspective.

I don’t know about you but complacency just doesn’t fit me. I’m ready to stop running in place and start leaving a trail from where I currently find myself. It’s our choice to let that resistance get the best of us or start pushing back.

Blind Spots

Everyone likes to imagine that they have sound judgment; it just makes for better sleep. When I look back at some of the choices I’ve made, I see a pattern of using past experiences, research, my knowledge and consideration of potential consequences; I try to avoid any interjection of emotion at the risk of losing a sense of objectivity (and fail miserably) even with all things considered, only in hindsight do we take note of the blind spots in our own judgment.

I’m not simply referring to the blind spots in our choices that reflect upon our judgment but also our blind spots on the individual’s character/integrity that we surround ourselves with. Maybe we superimpose illusions of grandeur on those individuals, only to find that these illusions are mere delusions. We may want to think the world of a person, despite being constantly let down or even despite hearing this individual passing their judgment on us when we have our back turned.  At some point those blind spots come into focus as well as the choice to keep this individual’s behavior in your blind spot or push them away altogether. I know that I will always have my blind spots but once things come into frame, I have the choice to keep my choices, redirect or correct them, keep said friends or let them go.

Still dreaming

Some of my past failures/mistakes stay with me longer than I care to hold on to. I’ve heard some people say that it builds character, while others say it serves as a reference point of misguided ambitions; whatever the reason for overstaying their welcome, they certainly leant a helping hand to the self-defeating mentality that plagued me the past two weeks. This sudden resurgence of past dissatisfaction coupled with recent decisions added to an overwhelming sense of anxiety, essentially sending me on the verge of leaving LA.

Lost connections and disillusioned by chasing pipe dreams subsequently inspired thoughts of new starts, I allowed these ideas to swirl about my head and I vaguely started planning where my little red car and me would head to next. Shelter at home while I clear my head or a new place to appease my more adventurous nature? As the days came and went, I continued to entertain ideas of my next destination to ease any combative discomforts.

I let myself sleep on it a few more nights, and after Thursday night's music session for Verbal Disclosure, I realized that regardless of any past disappointments, mistakes or missed opportunities, I'm still dreaming and any outlet involving music helps keep my dreaming nature alive. Maybe my manager, Kim and I can get something off the ground to keep me motivated and prevent any debilitating thought process from infiltrating my mind again. I have a few more months of LA left in me; hopefully something good can work out. 

A change is going to come

The landscape is all too familiar; the buildings, the people, the timing—all common fixtures of our daily days; integral details that our subconscious holds no further than arms length to appease the whispers from comfort’s constant lobbying for the status quo. As creatures of habit, it’s easiest to sleep at night with the knowledge that our microcosmic world will resume as it was prior to when our eyes pressed the pause button. So overnight with no significant development, we awake and navigate our unchanged territory in an effortless sleepwalk. No rocking boats, only solid ground.

My life in the past six months have been marked by attempts challenging this urge for complacency and a tremendous desire for change (financial, career, more education, etc.)  Although minor progress has been made, my overall attempts have been futile.  This lack of success in my endeavors resulted in a manifestation of anger and frustration. My initial reaction was to outwardly place blame so I began to equip myself with weapons, consisting mostly of an acid tongue, F bombs and one-finger salutes. Upon preparing to launch my first assault, I quickly retreated upon realizing that I would be declaring war on innocent bystanders that had no control over my lack of progress.

During my retreat I had a chance to reflect and think of what I was doing that was preventing me from achieving the next step. After a few scream matches directed at my pillow to let go of the anger, I was back dealing with this stalemate. I had used everything I learned, owned, built to move forward, so what was the problem?

Two nights ago, I was trying to fall asleep and I started to think of the concept of change- to remove and replace. The wheels in my mind started to turn and I concluded that before a major change, before making a move, or departing from a position from where you are, one must purge themselves from unwanted or unnecessary people, places or items.

Yesterday, I started the process of identifying what is needed in my life and what can be discarded for me to move forward. I started with the tangible items first, unnecessary papers, old notebooks; garbage of the past if you will. It may take a few days or weeks to completely purge myself of the excess that has been nothing more than a distraction, but I know now that I have a starting off point and I know that a change is going to come.

They Say Featured on MTV Blogger's site

My song "They Say" was featured on UCLA Alum and current MTV Blogger's website, it's an exciting first step career wise. If you haven't already checked, "They Say" out, do so on youtube.

http://thejmiblog.com/post/1351217160/mauricio-pena
thanks,
M

Short Leash

For some reason or another, there are many limitations that we impose on ourselves. In the past, my impulsivity generated consequences that have left me, to this day, feeling the aftershocks. As a result, I’ve kept myself on a short leash to keep my impulsivity at bay.  I figured with more self-imposed restrictions the less likely I would be to mess something up. So over the months, I continued to add to my list of limitations and the short leash that had once been used to “protect myself” had become more like a noose; each new restriction added to the thread tightening it’s grasp around my neck until no more air to breathe.  

Essentially some of us suffocate ourselves with “do’s and don’ts” that if we follow will make us a better person. Restricting ourselves from doing everything and anything will only make you want to rebel against all these restrictions.  After all, the limitations that we place on ourselves are not the only ones we have to deal with, society as a whole has their own rules and regulations that we told to respect and follow, so there’s no need to further restrain ourselves. Thus, it’s fine to indulge in certain things every once in awhile, learning how to do things in moderation rather then abstaining all together will make for better mental and physical health.

As for myself, I’ve taken off that leash and I’m ready to live life without such suffocating limitations. 

Loyality

For some unexplainable reason I give certain people in various aspects of my life undeniable loyalty even when it’s not reciprocated, perhaps to declare a sense of respect, maintain a status quo of some sort or a subconscious naive effort to receive the slightest sense of mutual respect in return. Naturally, I would think it’s common to have loyalties and staying true and sincere in our actions but it becomes problematic when our priorities are no longer our own but are of those who we aim to gain a sense of respect.

Obsequious behavior, although can be viewed to some as admirable, it’s mostly frowned upon. It’s important for us to stand on our own two feet and walk firmly on the ground in the direction that we desire, constantly yielding so that others have what they need won’t get you anywhere. We can’t live for others; we can’t live with trying to please or gain respect from others because that’s a never-ending game that can never be won.

Essentially trying to make everyone happy ultimately results in neglecting our own needs. Know where your loyalties lie and why those loyalties exist, most important make sure that this allegiance is not one sided, don’t let anyone take advantage of you.

Tough decisions

Difficult situations never stop just because we want them to; we either face them head on or run away until they catch up, it’s just a part of responsibility and getting older. However, sometimes even at our most earnest moments, we stop dead in our tracks because we see our options and regardless of the choice made, we will be at a loss.

I returned to working two jobs (Managing a lab at the UCLA School of Nursing and Bartending at Gulfstream restaurant) because I thought that I could handle the schedule. Unfortunately, after a few weeks I started flirting with exhaustion, I was far from prepared to do both at an optimal level.

Last week I decided that one job had to go, the difficulty was in the one that I decided to leave. Although I know that bartending is not something that will lead into many career options, it was one of the most fun jobs that I’ve had. What made it even more enjoyable were my co-workers, lively spirits that make you want to come in every shift.

With a few more weeks of being at the restaurant, I just hope I made the right choice in leaving to clear my mind and finally decide what my next venture in life is. Whatever way I justify my departure, it still hurts to say goodbye.

More than you can chew

I like to think that I have a fair grasp of what I can and can't handle. I've always been able to pile on different projects on my shoulders and regardless of how daunting the mountain on my back may seem, with the right amount of pacing, I'm able to do it, I know that about myself. Perhaps in another life I was a juggler, handling the most dangerous objects, tossing them into the air and watching as they'd fall benignly into my hand and then go back up again. The transitions so smooth and seamless, as if innate.

September came around and I thought that after a little break from one of my jobs, I would be able to make a smooth transition back into a former routine with both jobs but I underestimated the place I am in my life and the ever changing circumstances that surface when you least expect. So this month as I continued to throw more objects in the air, I neglected some of my other commitments that were falling victim to gravity with no hand to propel them back up, and as a result, objects disregarded hit the floor. The distractions of the crashing objects subsequently effected the once controlled motion. I bit off more than I can chew and compromised various aspects of my life because I wanted to satisfy everyone.

I understand that I have a constant desire to be active but it's not worth doing all of it if you can't do everything at an optimal level. Maybe it's time to have fewer obligations on my schedule so that I can accomplish everything on it, rather than having 100 things on it and never getting anything done.

So there's a point where I opened my eyes, I just hoped I didn't burn any bridges along the way.

They Say

Here's a song that I wrote back in 2008 when I graduated from UCLA. It's an anthem to people who have ever been told they're not good enough to do what they love. So follow your dreams even if you have to walk that road alone.

Fall is Upon Us

We get worked up on the idea that we are on the eve of change, we become consumed with reproducing images of where we want to be, only to realize that a few months down the road we are standing in the same place where we have been all along. It’s one thing to fantasize about change and another to actively court and allow these ideas to materialize into something beyond an unanchored thought.

Time and again, we use the excuse that the timing wasn’t right but when is it ever? We need to stop thinking of how romantic the idea of change could be and act on our desires and passions; youth is fleeting and so will the opportunity to do the things on our to do list. So once we realize that time is finite, we must decide to either continue spending it daydreaming and thinking about the possibilities of the should’ve, could’ve, would’ve or we can mentally grow up and start taking the rudimentary steps necessary for those daydreams to become the reality that we wake up to.

Perhaps you have an idea of where you would like to see yourself but are to scared to say it out loud for fear of others judgment. To ease those fears, I’ll let you in on a little a secret that I’ve learned from a wise doctor known to many as Seuss, “those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” People who love you will support you; no questions asked.

Thus, the plan is to ask yourself the hard questions: where do you need to go? What must be done to get there? And how soon do you need to get there? So if there is something you know you should be doing or something you know you would be great at, what’s the hold up? You don’t need to wait for a new years day, you have a new September right as you read this. No need to ask for permission because you’ll be waiting for approval all your life.

So building off of my last post, “The wreckage” and what you are currently reading, the two things I want to change or really work towards are: 1) Financial Freedom and 2) My career.

The hardest part is taking that leap, if you can't see where your headed that's ok. With that said, who wants to join me in changing our lives? And what is it that you want to change and work towards? Fall is upon us, no better time for change then today.

The Wreckage

 Sometimes it’s easiest to focus on life’s inconsistencies. Dwelling in our own missteps mentally grants us the excuse to justify our absence from the things we want most. If you think about it, we use every reason not to jump at opportunities because we’re scared of more failure. We let fear take the wheel as we sit in the passenger seat of our own life without the slightest nerve of being a backseat driver. Our eyes simply stare out the window absent of fire that once burned furiously with ambition and formally directed the car.

These pity parties that we entertain, only inflate our desire to stay complacent in our exaggerated misery. By and large, negativity and hopelessness has never helped anyone towards that one moment that you are waiting for. No one will give you anything in this life, much less if you’re sitting around sulking in your own pessimism.

I’m guilty of throwing myself the aforementioned pity parties; it certainly comes from habit to measure whose life is more “wretched.” I’m only now realizing how selfish it is to lay among the things that I call my wreckage. This so called wreckage consist of things of luxury that some people would never dream of; to have opportunity to call such things my problems should really be counted as blessings. In order to be in a mentally healthy state, we must cease from focusing on the difficult situations that emerge and think about the opportunities that may develop as we get past them. There’s no room for negativity if happiness is what you want. It’s time to pick yourself up f and select the first piece from our “wreckage” and decide in which direction to start cleaning up the rumble. It just takes that initial action to set in motion those that will subsequently follow.

The spark

It’s been a short summer; they seem to get shorter with time coupled with increasing responsibilities. It makes sense, less idle time and more time to “act” like a model citizen-- whatever that’s supposed to mean, right?

I guess I’ve had my moments of being rebellious or imaginative however you’d like to put it, but for the most part I’ve always followed the rules and displayed more than my share of being responsible since a young age, so I have to wonder, where exactly does that leave me?

The summation of what I’ve accomplished leaves me unsatisfied; essentially, there’s a vacancy behind a cage of bones where a machine supposed beat and I can’t put my finger on it but I want more than just a college degree and a nine to five job. More or less, life just seems more mundane when you’re working to pay bills, especially when those bills have little to do with the betterment of you as a person. I refuse to accept that at some point in our life, we lose that zeal that once made mundane task not only tolerable but also exciting.

Perhaps I’m immature in my thinking, impatient or both, and maybe I have yet to fully understand the process of being an “adult,” and quiet possibly that just might come with time but at the moment, I’m not at the place or position I want to be in my life so until then I’m going to try to resist the stronghold that conformity has over the masses.

P.S I don’t think I have a problem with growing up, it’s losing that carefree nature that makes our eyes glisten that scares me. If we don’t have that spark , what sets us apart from everyone else?

Aloha Hawaii

We stayed in Wakiki right next to the beach.

Some places to visit, if you ever get to go:
1. Wakiki Beach
2. Kailua Beach Park
3. Manoa Falls
4. Diamond Head- Inactive Volcano
5. North Shore
6. Hanauma Bay

Just bits and pieces from our Hawaii vacation.

Mahalo

When I graduated UCLA back in 2008, I didn't get a chance to decompress and absorb the fruits of my labor. One week after the graduation ceremonies, I had a one way ticket to DC, where a full-time internship was waiting.Fast forward two years, two jobs and many side projects in the mix, I had a chance to just breathe, even if only for a brief 7 days.

The Plan:
I'd often imagined heading to the isles of Hawaii, vaguely planning but never taking flight. It's quiet possible that I would have abandoned such a trip had my sister not taken the initiative to look up flights, hotels and the like. Thanks Lupita!!! Quiet frankly, I would have continued accumulating vacation days without them being put to good use. So with my sister taking the lead and my parents celebrating their 37th wedding anniversary, my siblings and myself decided what better gift for our parents then purchasing flights and hotel stay to Oahu!

Watch below:



So with flights and hotel booked, we were bound for Hawaii!

Paradise

Every chance I get, I allow my mind to set sail, affording it some time to create, recreate and refine a whimsical place where nothing has enough strength to topple my good mood. Any form of friction, is quickly disbanded by a swift kick to the source that creates resistance. I watch as the source disbands into dust particles and I once again sit in what seems like an everlasting state of peace.



I try to visit every so often, sometimes in the form of a daydream or in my sleep; unfortunately, it just so happens that it comes to an end when my eyes open and I'm slapped with responsibilities of adulthood.



For seven days last week, I woke up to find myself in a place very similar to the paradise I've spent several years constructing in my mind. On the coast, sunshine overlooking crystal blue waters and sand so soft that you wouldn't mind it's presence in between your toes. And Inland, a lush of green rain forest with clouds and some drizzle. I had never seen a more perfect division coexisting so peacefully.

A break

When I’m supposed to be walking I have an overwhelming urge to run and when I run, I tend to run faster then I should. For some reason, I find myself constantly having to be active, I just can’t sit still and relax. In a sense, this over activity has become second nature. More or less, I’ve convinced myself that idle time is wasted time.

I’ve tried to pinpoint when this started but I can’t find the origin. Even as a young kid, I’ve always been juggling several things at once and that mentality hasn’t changed- not in junior high, not in high school, not in college nor in my post graduate career. Maybe it’s a fear of being considered average; simply put, no one remembers “average people.” It’s not a bad thing to be average, some people are okay with mediocrity and that’s fine for them but I’m not one of “those people.”

However, you reach a point when you have to say when and I guess for me it comes now, and it comes in the form of a Hawaiian vacation. Away goes the laptop and all of life’s obligations, --at least for a week or so.

Disappearance of Integrity

This week I was reading a number of articles over facebook’s negligence regarding private information of it’s members. Despite security settings, information has been gathered from its member’s and made easily accessible to outside parties. Of course, this is not a new occurrence; facebook has had to deal with various privacy lawsuits from individual members to privacy investigations from countries.

As much as I’ve enjoyed its services since I created an account in 2004, the constant news regarding privacy issues has me questioning whether facebook is worth maintaining anymore. Information that we disclosure on our page is for those within our network, not for outside industries to target us as consumers. Regardless of whether personal information can be accessed elsewhere, facebook, as a company should have the integrity to respect its member’s, not violate their trust. Enabling outside sources to access member’s information makes it harder for me to maintain respect for a company that I once respected for keeping me connected with the friends that I've made over the years.

Maybe I was naive to trust a company like facebook; I guess my assumption that integrity and ethics still existed was completely off.

Young Sages

I have my moments where I feel as though I’ve learned everything that I’m capable of learning. At times, it seems like all the knowledge that I currently need is at hand. While I have recently been operating off of this perspective, I see the detrimental consequences in allowing this mentality to guide your daily activities. Quite frankly, you prevent yourself from progressing as a human being, essentially, closing doors and blinding yourself of opportunities that lay before you.

My recent yet foolish approach to life had never been more apparent then the two weekends that I spent with my niece and nephew this month. At two and five years old, I’ve was taken by their boundless curiosity that makes them smile, makes their eyes widen and intrigues them to ask the questions of why something is the way it is? They’re taking their initial steps of becoming cognizant of the world through their first experiences and discovery of their talents; while above all else, enjoying every moment of the journey. At the end of the day, any restrictions and limits hold no weight against their will to discover the treasures hidden amongst them. Each and every day, they stand to gain everything and much like them, closing the door to open mindedness and curiosity too early leaves a vacancy where knowledge and experience could be.

What was also really striking was my nephew’s ability to live life not having the great deal of expectations that we’ve learned through social conventions. I think a lot of our unhappiness stems from, at times, many unattainable expectations that we have for ourselves or the expectations we’ve learned from social expectations of “normality.” I’ve always been an advocate of going against what other people expect or want from you but sometimes you get so wrapped up and temporarily swept away. It’s refreshing to see how carefree and uninhibited by social cues we can be, sometimes we need a little reminder.

To these young sages, they are completely satisfied with unconditional love and being able to explore words, ideas or objects that trigger their synapses and spark questions. All the material things that a lot of us consume to bring us happiness or higher social status means absolutely nothing--you can see it in their eyes. I’m glad to be able to relearn life’s most basic treasures through the eyes of these kids as they learn everything for their first time.

The sun sets on us

Spinning Wheel

I’ve been waking up feeling like each day will be the day that the world will take notice that I have no idea what I’m doing, I don’t want to pretend that I have the answers because I don’t. Maybe it’s just a phase and the feeling that I’m a spinning wheel will fade, I just can’t help but think, “When?” After all who can take constantly being confused and overwhelmed with matters that have little to no significance in the betterment of you as a person? “Not I,” says this Mauricio.

I understand that going through difficult situations especially overcoming adverse conditions help to build resilience and open doors but honestly where do we draw the line?

I guess what it comes down to is that I see life as a game, futbol, tennis or baseball—whatever sport you prefer. You start the game; you enter the arena feeling like the ultimate badass, confidence radiating from your skin, everyone can sense it. Your fans i.e. your family and friends are cheering you on with unconditional support; your in your element, or at least so you thought. The game starts and your doing great, making runs, scoring points—your bloated ego is feeding off of the excitement from everyone on the sidelines and bleachers. But then you stop doing well, balls start flying everywhere, you can’t keep up, your being outrun and then balls hit you in the testicles, then another, not fun, right? My question, how long can we continue playing our game where we are simply spinning wheels going no where?

Lines

We have lines that define the limits in many aspects of our life; these concrete or imaginary points are situated relative to predetermined points of reference that become most apparent when someone crosses them. This line, although imaginary, is very real in our psyche—those who choose to cross them, whether intentional or accidental, run the risk of destroying a bridge, regardless of it’s strength. After all, we see these lines, these boundaries as sacred. Having been developed overtime and refined through personal experience, the weight these lines carry are colossal and the consequences of overstepping, tragic. It’s important to have your boundaries and your limits, without them you’re vulnerable to others. On the same token, knowing which lines to maintain is just as vital, you wouldn’t want to waste time arbitrarily drawing lines to keep others out and inadvertently fencing yourself in.

Anticipation

Two weeks ago today I got a call from my manager asking me to prepare for a lead role in a film opposite Pierce Brosnan. I thought what a great opportunity to start something new.

Through the weekend I learned my lines and mentally prepared myself for all possibilities. The day of my audition, I thought nerves would have the better of me and to some extent they did. Nevertheless, I went into the audition and after reading with the casting director I was asked to return for a callback. Excited and running on a rush of adrenaline, I found that maybe, just maybe the universe and stars would align in my favor.

Late Friday afternoon I received the script and read it that evening. Immediately afterwards I decided that I have to get this role. Monday swung it’s head back around and I sat in my car waiting outside the audition sight. “Come September you can be starting a new direction in life!” At that instant, I realized that I was in trouble; I had become deeply invested in this role and I hadn’t even secured it. I left my car and walked to the audition site sitting in the couch waiting for them to see me.

“Mauricio, thanks for coming back!” The casting director said as he led me to the audition room. There sat the director along with Alex, whom I would be reading the scene with. I took a deep breath and began reciting the lines.

Five days later I sit wondering if I have the role or not. After 5pm today, if I don’t hear from my manager I’m making the assumption that the role has been offered to someone else and in that case, it’s time to redraft the plans that I had started fantasizing in my head.

Measuring Progress

Maybe through social conditioning or my own yearning for gratification, I grew up heavily invested in having my own progress evaluated by the diagnosis of others. I found comfort in the lines that demarcated the difference between five specific letters of the alphabet and their plus or minus companions. Aside from genuinely wanting to do well for my own sake, I enjoyed the pats on the back; the “Hey, great job!” and the occasional “Keep up the good work!” Addicted? Perhaps. There was just this undeniably irresistible attraction to knowing that people had great admiration for me.

From grade school up until I graduated college, I swam in recognition that on the one hand  recognized merit, and on the other carried no weight. Completely absorbed and arrogant by the attention I received, I couldn’t see past the fact that I was doing everything to appease those that coddled my ego. Upon graduating and entering into the “real world,” those that shelled out awards for best this, that and the other, had vanished. No one to hold your hand or inflate your eager, no reports to give evaluation on your progress, just you left wondering if you were still good enough.

I initially developed resentment for the idea of any form of recognition; I had grown weary of compliments and was annoyed by any form of flattery, I saw them as empty ways to impress one another. Thus, I detested bloating the ego of many young kids and leading them to believe that they are invincible, instead of realistically giving them the treatment they would face once leaving the confines of the academic world. I thought here stands my generation that has been coddled so much that once faced with a sharp edge, we simply crumble under pressure, essentially leaving resilience hiding at the back door.

I continued to think about my dissatisfaction with my inability to concretely evaluate my progress post-grad, I attributed it to empty flattery that I had indulged while in school. After mulling it over several times, I realized that I might have not achieved as much if good work hadn’t been acknowledged. I figured it’s ok to accept merit-based recognition and respond to a genuine compliment with a thank you. The past two years I’ve been attempting to determine a way to evaluate my life’s progress, conditions that I have acknowledged as valid parameters are: alphabetical grading systems carry only the weight that one gives them and paychecks carry no validation, as long as you are working towards your ultimate end goal in life.

Lessoned Learned- Happy Father's Day!

As I made my way down the driveway towards my father’s gardening truck, my nostrils were bombarded by the odor of burned gasoline from the dated leaf blower and the sharp tart like aroma from the freshly cutgrass. On my back, I carried a large grey garbage can that no longer displayed the luster of its former life on aisle four of Home Depot. Instead its exterior was decorated with deep scrapes, holes and a loose handle exhibiting the signs of a life lived. Inside it held 15 pounds of leaves, weeds and the remnants of unwanted debris.

Upon reaching the truck, I lifted the can above my head and dumped the waste on to the bed of the truck, letting out a loud sigh and wiping the beads of sweat that had been produced from the physically demanding labor and the angry sun that sizzled at a lofty 110 degrees Fahrenheit.

I walked over to my father’s orange colored cooler that sat nestled on the side on his trailer and poured myself a cup of water. I embraced the feeling of the chilled water as it touched my lips and traveled down my throat. As I proceeded to drink the water, I looked onward and saw the street as it did its best magic trick attempting to dislodge from its solidified form. I refilled my cup with water, took off my base cap and poured out the cups contents letting the water droplets race down my face.

At 18, I was spending my last summer before leaving to college helping my father with his gardening service. It wasn’t quite out of the ordinary for me to be doing this. I had been helping my father since I could remember and I had my father’s clients remembering for me before I could claim any of those memories as my own.

By the time I was nine years old, I was constantly hearing: “Wow! Look how you’ve grown." Angela would say as I stared in awe that I was personally hearing a British Accent. I remember when you where this tall and you would stand next to your father digging the little holes so you could plant the flowers. You must have been five or so.”

 Stubby Kay, her husband, would quickly interject, “He’s paying you well, right? If not I’ll tell your mom and she’ll take care of him.” I simply smiled and nodded my head.

As I grew older, I started to become more and more possessive with my time. I remember telling my father not to speak so long with his clients “on my time” because apparently it was my time that he was wasting and not his time earning the money that would put food on our table. Instead of reprimanding me for my brazen attitude towards him, he shrugged it off and teased me occasionally with his clients.

I selfishly thought gardening was my father’s form of cruel and usual punishment that I had to endure as some sort of right of passage. So summer after summer, winter vacation after winter vacation and spring break after spring break, I was pulling weeds, trimming trees, picking leaves, cutting roses, mowing lawns and washing down drive ways. Although I didn’t immediately see the purpose beyond earning extra cash while I was 10 or 13 years old, as I got older I started to realize my dad’s lesson was beyond the concept of fiscal responsibility and even beyond the value of hard work.

At summer’s end, I was extremely eager to leave the hot summer sun behind and find refuge from the physically demanding labor. Thus, every fall I would find that refuge in the form of four decorated walls, 30 desks, textbooks and an instructor to guide my peers and I. While my friends talked about their summer vacations, I would change topics when it came for me to rehash the summer that I thought I had missed out on.

Contrary to my selfish mentality, the concepts of hard work, patience and focus that my dad reminded me of every summer had transcended into my nine months of academic success. My father instilled in me the importance of education by displaying the arduousness that is manual labor and the consequences of taking education lightly.

Gradually I began to take note that there was a method to my father’s madness. At 17,  I was accepted into Berkeley, the University of California, Los Angeles and a few other schools. I graduated valedictorian of my senior class, I was senior class president, captain of my track and field and cross-country teams. All these accomplishments were are traced back to the summers I spent sweating under the desert sun.

Each summer, I was enrolled in summer school and my father was the teacher. There were no books, no homework and no classmates. The only form of grading or validation was through my own evaluation on how much effort I put in that day. On my last summer, my dad gave me a history lesson telling me that he started working when he was nine years old. When he was 11, he had stopped going to school and started working full time. The first male of his family, the second child of a growing family, he no longer had the privilege to attend school. He was a child in Mexico working to partially contribute to a family that continued to increase in size until the family reached maximum capacity at 18 children.

Although my father had never gone into detail about his upbringing, it all made sense to me. The reasons as to why I was there summer after summer was he’s indirect way of having me choose the words in books over a lawnmower and a rake. As a teenager, I never gave him the credit that was due, he was one of my greatest teachers and it took me awhile but I had been given the best lecture that anyone could ever give a student by a man that had never studied beyond the fifth grade.

“Don’t look back, always look ahead.”

We give certain moments in our life more favorable reviews. Our audience and the critics reach a consensus,” two thumbs way up!” And during award season, you are there to receive the accolades for “The Best Actor,” “Best film,” “Best Original Screenplay;” much deserved recognition for the person sitting behind the pen that writes and behind the lens that films, you. Calculating what would be most entertaining, what would be the most fulfilling next step? Constantly yearning for excitement, living fast and without inhibitions. And then, at some point that thirst for excitement seems to fade and you sit embracing your yesterday’s as if that feeling that they gave you can never be replicated. So you hold fast and hold tight not wanting to relinquish those memories, as those were the absolute “best times of your life.”

Sometimes my brain gets wrapped around this idea, in particular, when days become increasingly routine and the various roles we play leaves little time for your dreams and aspirations. I know this has been a constant theme of my entries but it gets tiring taking a back seat to my yesterday’s especially since I’m only 24 years old. I don’t want to be prematurely rehashing my memories without making any new ones, I’d prefer the story telling to begin when I’m ninety and I have a grand daughter or son listening to the things I’ve seen, the places I’ve been, the people I’ve met and then in turn inspire them to live each day as they would achieve everything and anything.

It’s funny how one fortune cookie can help put you back in the driver’s seat.

Certainly Uncertain

I can’t help but think of the train I missed back in August 2008. Like a projector repeating the same sequence of a black and white film, my mind is still standing on West 116th and Broadway with my hands holding on to pieces of paper with information for apartments and potential living arrangements. There I stare at the front gates of Columbia University, my head starts to set sail thinking of the new life about to manifest. I smile and begin to walk down the sidewalk towards 115th street.

Twenty months later, those wide eyes that once had their sites set for exploring the concrete jungle have nearly extinguished. Plans to move up to New York after my DC excursions never materialized and the one way plane ticket to the East, never lived up to it’s conceptual romantic inspiration. Rather, I placed my New York life on hold because of a call; a meeting I was promised that never occurred. I entrusted my future in the hands of a stranger who came knocking on a door that didn’t have a doorframe, hinges or walls to support it. Maybe I should’ve known better? After all, this wasn’t the first time I blindly believed promises made to me by a virtual stranger but it was certainly the last.

With mishaps and misadventures of the last year and a half, I watched as all my certainties and concrete beliefs became my uncertainties. I figured that maybe I needed to lose sight of myself in order to get back on track.

Although I haven’t yet reclaimed all the puzzle pieces or started traveling back on the track I was on, I’m establishing new rules for the pieces I choose to be apart of my final picture. As I sift through all my thoughts of uncertainties, I’ve discovered pieces of me that I thought had been sacrificed for good. Fortunately for me, these pieces are just the start I need. To some- less social, to myself-more selective of who I’m more willing to hangout with. To others- more reserved, to myself- less inclined to share my energy with those who could care less about me.

Music makes the world go round!

One month shy of graduating UCLA and a move to DC, my friend Justin asked if I wanted to join him and his friend, Logan, as they made music, I decided to check it out. Now two years later, we have continued to make music.

Here are the first songs that we have uploaded thus far.

End of the World


Just for the Night

Putting the past in the past

I’ve always been a firm believer of using every step of my past and building on it, even if certain things seem insignificant, I attempt to use their concepts, skills or ideas and transcribe them into ways that can be used in a beneficial manner. As of late, I feel as though the things I’ve achieved, things I’ve learned, the places I’ve been and to a certain extent, some of the people I’ve met have gradually become extraneous even expendable. Perhaps, this is something we all go through as we are rediscovering or establishing a new set of values and standards for the life we want to lead. Essentially, the perception that we developed as children, then as adolescents and then as young adults is constantly under revision, so maybe it is normal for our values to continually shift. Maybe sometimes we have to forget our past to assure our future.

Be thankful

I was having a conversation with a new friend concerning life, destiny, fate and the potential that we have within us. It was interesting to hear him reinforce this philosophy that I have guided myself with or attempt to be guided by. Essentially, we share this idea that we have the power to manufacture our own destiny through our actions or inactions. I know this is a bit controversial as there are a lot of circumstances that would inhibit someone from tapping into varies opportunities but I firmly believe that if you put all your energy into what you want, you can create the life that you desire no matter how difficult it maybe. Of course, hard work is essential to the fruition of your target but further, one must be thankful for what one does have because whatever your creed is or isn’t, if you are not grateful for what you have, why would anyone want to give you more?!.

Bittersweet

I purchased a 2009 Mustang on August 16, 2009, a few days later I was informed at work that there was a possibility that I would be receiving a pay cut. A deep pain sank in my stomach. Could I really afford monthly car payments on a salary reduction? Insurance? Rent? Food? If I were to get a second job how would that effect the relationships with my friends and family?

Torn between a former life and my new commitment, I quickly went into survival mode, searching for a part time job that would help me make some extra cash to supplement the loss of pay I was to endure. Within a few weeks, I was hired by Gulfstream restaurant as a service bartender. After my first shift, I had an overwhelming sense of uncertainty of whether I could do this job as efficiently as they needed; after all, I was completely out of my element. So weekend after weekend, I continued to struggle barely staying afloat, I started to fear that maybe they would take notice that I was severely unqualified for this position.


As one month past, I began to hit my stride and making drinks started to become easier. The frequent questions regarding drink recipes were diminishing, as they had been inculcated into my weekend mental dictionary. Additionally, I noticed that with each weekend that I worked, the more I looked forward to clocking in. Partially intrigued by the constant influx of people but mostly by my co-worker’s intelligent, artistic, creative and wide eyed curiosity for the world’s many offerings, it seemed that I had found a niche.


Months past and I was informed by my HR department at UCLA’s School of Nursing that I wouldn’t be receiving a pay cut. Although tempted to leave the restaurant, I decided to continue my moonlighting as a bartender. With an increase in hours and many projects taking shape, my body started to feel the physical burden that too much of a good thing is not all that great.


A few weeks ago when I put my leave of absence at the restaurant, I thought it was the best thing that I could have done but after this past weekend, I realized how much I’ll miss the atmosphere at Gulfstream and although I’ll be returning, I know from experience that when you leave something behind the dynamic never stays the same. With one more weekend before my break, I'm left with a bittersweet taste in my mouth.

Complacency

Complacency is a scary place to reside in. It’s always easiest to live in a world of convenience then to chase your hopes and dreams. Far to often we let our ambitions take a back seat in an attempt to protect ourselves from the fear of failure. Essentially, this misunderstanding that a life well lived with no pain or little disturbance is nothing but a big myth. We should absorb life with the same sense of curiosity regardless of whatever we encounter is full pain or delight. Not all our experiences will be full of pleasure, we sometimes will have to lose the ground we walk on in order to appreciate the things we have, the things we need and the things we want. We can’t be taught this through second hand experience; we can’t be told what to do and what is right for us because what is right for someone else is not necessarily right for you or me. We have to leap and sometimes fall and see the world in the many shades that it exists in. If we forever stay invested in a state of complacency, we may never know the potential that we encompass.

Another run around the sun

For 365 days, we are on a constant count down; utilizing calendars, day planners and post it notes to make our lives feel more significant. Daily routines have us rushing from one insignificant event to the next; not realizing that we casually throw away seconds everyday. Of course, these institutionalized activities are not acknowledged as a waste of time in the eyes of an industrialized society, as this “throwing away of seconds” is done in a socially acceptable manner. For some, myself included, much of what is deemed acceptable behavior is a far cry from anything I want for myself. Essentially, complacency is a scary place to exist in, no room for growth or possibility for change.


I turned twenty-four one week ago and I’m not exactly sure of how the trail I’ve left in the past year has any viable direction. I graduated from UCLA two years ago with a degree in Sociology and minors in Political Science and Theater. However, I work as a Lab technician for the School of Nursing and School of Medicine at UCLA. Not exactly remotely close to where my interest lie but a job nonetheless. Additionally, I started moonlighting as a bartender at a restaurant to pay for a small impulsive purchase. OK, a car isn’t a small purchase but sometimes we make our mistakes and we have to deal with the repercussions of those mistakes. In my case, it’s indeed one beautiful mistake.


Around the same time of my absent minded car purchase, I signed a three year contract with Schuller Talent, who once represented Mos Def and currently represents Anna Kendrick. Despite the promise of various avenues that life could take me, I settled for working 60 hours a week. I spent the latter half of my 23rd year working week in and out; sadly, I stopped enjoying the simple pleasure that life gives us daily and made my way down a one-way track with no possibility for detours. Settling and over indulging in complacency is dangerous to one’s spirit and imagination.


Last week, I tried my best to reevaluate the past year to make sure that as I make another run around the sun, it won’t be one filled with regret. Although I didn’t come up with an answer, I did start brainstorming and at the moment I’ve decided to end my stint as a bartender. In a few weeks time, the life I put on hold 7 months ago will start over again.

Starting Over (part 2)

Hey everyone,

Here's to starting over.



Song produced by Logan Yuzna
Rap written and performed by Logan Yuzna
Lyrics written and performed by Mauricio Pena

all the best,

mauricio pena

Starting Over

Born number 6 of 7, I came to the conclusion that either my parents were devout Catholics or they didn’t believe in contraceptives. Thinking back at my childhood church experiences watching as husbands and their wives walked into church followed by a liter of children, ruled out the latter half of my conclusions. It was obvious that fornication was a prevalent lesson at Sunday mass and the people in attendance were receptive to the literature presented. I mean who wouldn’t be intrigued by a fantastical story of Immaculate Conception or Deception? Of course, it all depends on whether you believe Mary or not.

Anyhow, as fate would have it, I didn’t absorb much of the lessons being taught in mass, even my mother’s subtle underarm pinches couldn’t coerce me to pay attention. The fact that I wasn’t listening to the words of peace and love was never more apparent than with my sibling interactions. The constant bickering or physical altercation with by my siblings resulted in my father suggesting I start boxing.

Aside from learning how to throw and take a punch, the boxing ring established parameters acknowledging that you had two things working against you, your opponent and most importantly time. Any form of safety was invalid for three minutes between ringing bells; thus, it was vital to learn your strengths and weakness, and adapt those weaknesses in a manner that would undermine your opponents strengths and capitalize on the remaining time you did have.

For 23 years, I took advantage of this defensive mentality and was able to successfully achieve what I wanted. However, the past year I found myself contemplating the long-term effects of continuously being on the defensive. Incessantly wearing armor and building the walls is not something that should be done, thinking others as your opponent and being suspect of them only breeds pessimism and cynicism. Essentially, time is all we own and depending on how you spend it determines the mutual relationship; by default time is not your opponent.

So as the wick of my 23rd year burns its final inches, I’m reassessing how I deal with situations that I encounter. Peace and love? Carpe Diem? Loving-kindness? Whatever avenue I choose to take, I hope it’s a good one.