Measuring Progress

Maybe through social conditioning or my own yearning for gratification, I grew up heavily invested in having my own progress evaluated by the diagnosis of others. I found comfort in the lines that demarcated the difference between five specific letters of the alphabet and their plus or minus companions. Aside from genuinely wanting to do well for my own sake, I enjoyed the pats on the back; the “Hey, great job!” and the occasional “Keep up the good work!” Addicted? Perhaps. There was just this undeniably irresistible attraction to knowing that people had great admiration for me.

From grade school up until I graduated college, I swam in recognition that on the one hand  recognized merit, and on the other carried no weight. Completely absorbed and arrogant by the attention I received, I couldn’t see past the fact that I was doing everything to appease those that coddled my ego. Upon graduating and entering into the “real world,” those that shelled out awards for best this, that and the other, had vanished. No one to hold your hand or inflate your eager, no reports to give evaluation on your progress, just you left wondering if you were still good enough.

I initially developed resentment for the idea of any form of recognition; I had grown weary of compliments and was annoyed by any form of flattery, I saw them as empty ways to impress one another. Thus, I detested bloating the ego of many young kids and leading them to believe that they are invincible, instead of realistically giving them the treatment they would face once leaving the confines of the academic world. I thought here stands my generation that has been coddled so much that once faced with a sharp edge, we simply crumble under pressure, essentially leaving resilience hiding at the back door.

I continued to think about my dissatisfaction with my inability to concretely evaluate my progress post-grad, I attributed it to empty flattery that I had indulged while in school. After mulling it over several times, I realized that I might have not achieved as much if good work hadn’t been acknowledged. I figured it’s ok to accept merit-based recognition and respond to a genuine compliment with a thank you. The past two years I’ve been attempting to determine a way to evaluate my life’s progress, conditions that I have acknowledged as valid parameters are: alphabetical grading systems carry only the weight that one gives them and paychecks carry no validation, as long as you are working towards your ultimate end goal in life.