One leap

I’ve kept myself near a ledge looking over, attempting to see whether there is a field of mattresses waiting to catch me on my adventure down, but it’s too far to make any real assessment on whether the landing will be a safe one. The only comfort and motivation for my free fall comes in the form of hope and faith that during the leap I’m able to find what I’ve been looking for.

The thought of diving head first into unknown territory certainly produces a level of anxiety. Naturally, taking such chances enhances feelings of apprehension; especially when certain outcomes carry there share of consequences. The thought of irreversible consequences alone keeps us at bay or at the ledge and paralyzes us from seeking something outside of the comfortable. Damn that fear to hell because we are so much better than that and carry so much potential inside of us, it’s because of fear that some people never let their full potential see the light day.

If there is an urge to engage in an adventure or you have a dream, let yourself fall in the direction of your dreams or that adventure. If in the process of our adventure we encounter a hurdles of some sort, we still have the power of making choices to overcome these hurdles.We just have to believe in ourselves and know that we are capable human beings, we may have allowed fear based limitations to prevent us in our past but they don’t have to follow us the rest of the day or tomorrow, we have a choice to make our leaps with an open mind and absorb everything as they come, without any preconceived notions or assumptions.

We are certainly deserving of greatness, sometimes all it takes is a leap in the direction of our dreams, it doesn’t matter whether we land soundly, all that matters is that we believe in ourselves to take that one leap.

Desert Sunset

Brick walls

After a great effort traveling down the path you've been on and the majority of your energy reserves nearly expended, you approach a brick wall; how do you deal with the obstruction blocking you  from your desired path? Do you:
A) Turn around and head back in the direction from where you came
B) Find away to climb over the obstruction
C) Set up camp and try again later.
Or D) Other...please elaborate

As of late, I've had a tendency of picking A, and if you are like me, you may also be thinking what a waste to come so close and then retreat because of exhaustion,  especially when what's on the other side is more rewarding considering the great effort that was put forth to get there. Trying to re-frame this mentality is difficult but I guess I've vouched that upon reaching another brick wall I will think, this brick wall was placed here to remind me how badly I wanted what's on the other side. So in my mind I've decided, I only want there to be one option, to fight on and find a way to climb over the things obstructing me from getting to my next goal.

The Starting Point

It's not everyday that we pass a road sign that says, "Life as an author, musician, actor, etc starts here! Only 100 miles." Wouldn't that be nice? If we had a definitive place from where to start each endeavor that we undertake it would certainly make the journey far easier to successfully complete. In our reality where daydreams are exiled, we must do our own heavy lifting and cut through the mass of excess foliage that threatens to hide those golden opportunities that subsequently lead us down the path to our dreams. Of course this is all easier said then done and frankly, it's time for me to put my money where my mouth is. I can spend all day thinking and talking about all the great things I can do but unless I start walking the walk, my words will carry the same amount of weight as a feather drifting in the wind.

Last week my head was buzzing with  thoughts concerning a future career, financial obligations, grad school, hopes and dream and to say the least I was overwhelmed. I thought perhaps I was about to have some sort of anxiety attack, in response, I decided to make a list of all the things concerning me at the moment, all the things that I wanted for myself. The result, a melting pot of obligations, goals, dreams and impossibilities. Some of the crazy in my head below:

 -Car balance, School Loan Balance
-Financial Stability
- Live in Sydney, Australia for half a year
-Move to New York
-Career interests: writing, music and acting.
-Grad School: Creative Writing, Psychology

After writing what was on mind, the insecurity and thoughts of impossibility were gone,  it seemed like putting the thoughts onto paper gave them more weight as if anchored down by the pens ink. It made me realize that the first step to allowing a goal or a dream to materialize, is to write it out so you can see how it looks in front of your own eyes. Sometimes we don't want to admit our own dreams to ourselves because even we think they're silly, but if that's what makes you happy and gives you drive, don't let that dream fade away. Just think of writing it out as the starting point of your journey.

If after you haven written out your dreams and hopes and you're still scared and uncertain  because the road ahead isn't illuminated and you can't see the finish line, just think of it as if you are driving at night. E. L. Doctorow once said, "writing is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." I think you can tailor this quote to many, if not all aspects of our life. Anne Lamott further added to Doctorow's quote, " You don't have to see where your going, you don't have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you."


My question for my reader's: What are your dreams? What do you wish to achieve in your lifetime?

Traffic Jam

My driving record proclaims that I've been on the road for six years, I contend that I learned to drive long before that-- even before I could  reach the pedals. The lessons started  at the tender age of 10 months with the general rules of footwork;  precaution and speed limits followed a few years later. A fairly liberal amount of steering took place early at 9 or 10 and continued for several years. Basic rules of checking your rear view mirror and changing lanes were simultaneously added for good measure at 15. At 18, I was granted the ability to choose my destination, I've been on the road ever since.

 At 14, I always knew that I wanted to go to UCLA.The great thing for me was that I had a pretty strong support system that allowed me to make that happen. The many teachers (my parents, siblings, close friends) did a great job with outlining the many  hypothetical situations that happen. Aside from just listening to what they would say, absorbing and creating a decision based on all this information helped me on my journey to UCLA.

At UCLA, I was to learn how it was to steer the wheel independently, making my own mistakes and learning how to pick myself up after my misjudgments. I did a good job at keeping an open mind and open heart so as not to miss out on anything

I've since graduated UCLA and I've been driving down the road frequently traveled and found myself in a traffic jam.  Playing follow the leader was never a game that I enjoyed as a child, unless of course I was the leader, I don't know when I decided it was okay to play it. Anyhow, I find myself in bumper to bumper traffic on the 405, kind of frustrated, but still determined, I've decided to take the next exit.

Even with all the training in the world, deciding on where to take your vehicle is never a simple. Perhaps this blog served as a distraction from reaching my potential elsewhere. I don't think it helps with the postgraduate delirium but I think I've come to the conclusion that this will most likely be my last posting.
Of course, if I ever get the urge to express my thoughts, I won't stop myself from posting on this blog.

Thanks for reading,
-m

Live out loud

People unintentionally lead us to realize things about our self that we completely overlook or choose to overlook. In the past few weeks, I’ve had three people, unbeknownst to them; remind me about my recent introverted and timid stance in respect to things that I want. Perhaps, I needed to hear it from different aspects of my life for it to finally sink in.  

As of recent, I’ve taken a passive stance on things that I want so badly; it just seems like holding on to preserve the idea of something wanted is better than not having it at all. Typically, I am or at least I use to be very organized and would do everything by the book so all would go as planned. By having a sense of control on as many aspects of my life, it’s as if I could take accountability for all my failures. Of course, accountability for our actions and choices is completely reasonable and healthy; it becomes problematic when we start taking accountability for things that we can’t control. Life happens, we can control our actions but we can’t control the actions of others, taking disappointment, failure and frustration personally has a way of making that roar inside of us settle into a whimper.

I was someone who let my roar become a whimper and these people showed me that it’s okay to live life out loud, it’s okay to let go and not to hold on to something wanted so much, it’s okay to hurt when things don’t go as planned, it’s okay feel like you’ve earned or that you deserve something, it’s okay to be happy, it’s okay to be who you are, it’s okay to live the life that you want.

As trite and cheesy as it may sound, today 1.11.11, I’m starting over and although I’m scared I don’t want to let anymore fires in my eyes die because of fear, judgment or my own insecurities There’s no excuses great enough to justify why you let potential collect dust on the shelf---so it’s time to relight the light inside of me and you.

Thank you!

P.S. Keep following those dreams