Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?

I use to leave doors unlocked and allowed for people to walk through any given time, befriend anyone with no questions asked, accept everyone with no expectations of what they should be or mean to me—in my mind, I just wanted to see the same treatment returned. Perhaps naïve, overly optimistic or stupid, I just thought approaching everyone with a blank slate was best for filling in the space without a preconceived idea of who this person I had just met was; in essence, I wanted for them to paint me a picture without my prejudices interjected.

It’s certainly been a long time since I’ve exercised or practiced this. It just seems that one day I woke up and realized that sometimes when you open yourself up, you leave yourself susceptible for people to cut close to the bone, particularly when you least expect it. Maybe I’m at fault for giving people more trust then we are capable of having without any questions or established boundaries for which to build off of.

Call me crazy but despite run-ins with some opportunistic people, I still want to be my former self, eyes uninterrupted with filters of judgment or caution, it’s just difficult finding a path back.

In a few days people will sing the lyrics inquiring whether “Old acquaintances should be forgotten?” And in my mind I can’t help but think of how awful that sounds contemplating out loud, but in reality, it ‘s a tough question that we have to ask and answer ourselves. Our interactions can be understood by doors, whether they are left locked, unlocked, pushed open, or kept closed--a swinging door inevitably shuts, whether one allows that door to remain unlocked is completely up to us.  It’s just difficult deciphering which of those friendships make us feel good about ourselves because they are actually good for us or because we are far too comfortable and complacent to make new friends. 

Fearless

My year started 15,000 feet in the air staring out the window of a small plane overstuffed with mad people ready to take a leap to feel something that they couldn’t feel with their feet firmly planted on the ground. I watched as those closest to the cabin’s exit disappeared into the partitioned patches of grass shaded in green, yellow and orange. I approached the cabin door and waited for my heart to start racing, waited for it to start pounding vigorously as if it would burst through my chest. For a second, I thought it would never come and then I stepped off the plane and into the air and there it was, hiding discretely behind a blue jump suit, a heart beating with conviction. In this moment of uncertainty, despite all my precautions there was no guarantee that the landing would be as planned but I remained bold, fearless even.

Several months have passed and I haven’t exactly lived up to this boldness that lead me to leap off the plane. If anything, I’ve been quite timid; I’ve shied away from activities with moderate risk attached or any activities that would take me outside routine.

It’s natural to feel fear, but you can’t let it control or limit you.  There’s a need to recognize the courage you have within yourself to do things you wouldn’t otherwise be able to do. Fear is a debilitating thing, recognize it for what it is, the underestimation of ourselves superimposed in plain sight, and move on. Time shouldn’t be wasted wading in fear, progress can only be found via fearlessness.

We are not meant to stay broken

I started laying the bricks back in September, by the time March came around they were stacked up pretty high. Mountainous walls with holes peaking through from the haphazard construction, I deemed my walls complete mid April and sat alone. There I waited for minutes that quickly turned into hours than days, weeks and months. I sat idle bathing in my own self-guilt and pity encased in walls that we’re built from frustration but more so fear. The wise man had warned me several months earlier that even with the cards we are dealt, they should be played with dignity by not sulking in our dissatisfaction of life’s unpredictability but rather to enjoy the romance of the unpredictable.


Of course as stubborn as I am, I took his advice with a bucket of salt and went on my way succumbing to an idea that I had to do it all. The instant the gates opened, the foundation I had come to embrace was nothing more than my own cage that would hold me captive, and I became very much aware that I was a prisoner of my own thoughts. But for some reason I hesitated to let go and move on because to do that would mean to start over from a place where the familiar would become an obscurity.


After several nights of restlessness I stood up and began to hit the walls with my bare fist. I narrowed in on a spot where I had left a large gap, “One, two, three,” I shouted as my fist challenged the strength of the bricks. For a few minutes I felt no pain, I was mentally and emotionally numb so I put all my weight into the last punch and I began to feel a sharp sensation deep in my wrist. I looked down and my arm was drenched in blood. Despite, the pieces of skin and blood that I left on the bricks, I proved to be no opponent for the monster I had created.


Exhausted, in pain and broken I retreated to the ground and entertained the various thoughts that mesmerized my mind until I fell victim to sleep. While entranced throughout that night, the wise man appeared reiterating his words. There he stood over me as I sat on an empty road with a barren desert swallowing the vast space I was surrounded with, “I know that you are in a rush to find the place where you are meant to go,” he paused and I stared at him as we embraced this brief moment of silence, “that direction, that place comes when it needs to, no need to push or force something upon yourself. We are fragile, we are delicate and we break very easily—no need to break yourself…as this society has its way of doing that for us. There is no point in punishing yourself through self-exile. Don’t let your inabilities interfere what with your abilities and don’t blind yourself with thoughts of your past misfortunes. “ I looked down at the road and than into the distance, he said something but I couldn’t distinguish the words as he was speaking above a murmur, as I turned my head around I asked him to repeat himself, he was gone. I stood up and a slight breeze picked up and followed me as I made my way down the road.


The next morning I awoke to a stinging pain in my wrist, blood encrusted knuckles and the words the wise man had imparted. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” I yelled until no more sound would come out. Tears began to blur my vision, as they reached their tipping point they gradually made their way down my cheeks. I stood up, vulnerable, broken but renewed and began to scale up the walls of my cocoon. Pushing through the pain that emanated from my wrist, I climbed to the top and placed the hand through the only opening and allowed my hand to embrace the sun. I pulled my entire body through and sat at the top of my mountainous wall and allowed the tears to flow freely. Much like the evenings dream, the breeze picked up and spoke in a low murmur, “We are meant to falter, we are meant to break but we are not meant to stay broken.” I opened my eyes and looked at the sun and the vast open land of opportunity that was left for me to explore.

High Road

It’s comforting to have an idea of who stands at our corner supporting us when we need it most; sometimes the thought alone helps to get you through the day, it’s like much needed inspiration when your close to folding.

Sometimes though, you’d be surprised at the contradictions between our ideas and reality, those we thought were in our corner, are in fact on the opposing side. They know our weakness, our Achilles tendon; they jab at it until you come down.

Without a doubt it has some sobering effect on the idea of trust and friendship. There’s multiple routes that can be taken, you can get your revenge i.e. eye for an eye, you can burn the bridge or you can take the high road. 

Running in place

I try to calculate every move with precision to make sure that all things fall into place and allow for the next move to occur seamlessly. It just seems easiest to imagine a life with constant progression towards something, anything. I’ve never been one to rest on my laurels; I don’t ever want one moment in my life to define everything about me. I would much rather have a multitude of accomplishments that span a life time. Maybe I’m wrong when I say this but I don’t think anyone ever really desires just to be still or unfilled.

I guess running into enough resistance chasing our dreams could serve as the right amount of discouragement for one to seek refuge in the past. There are occasions that despite our calculating and the careful placement of our steps, our plans are never set in motion. It’s like we tip over the first domino waiting for the subsequent chain of events to take place, only to realize that the placement of each domino is set to far apart for anything to really happen. It’s exhausting to constantly pound the pavement and still remain running in the same place. What’s more exhausting is having no real measure of progress despite all the energy exerted.

But maybe that’s the challenge, with every new target there will be twice the barriers then that of our previous goal/target. Of course it would be easiest if met with little resistance but then where is the thrill of the chase if there’s an apparent absence of any true test of our abilities. We could easily retreat from a challenge after no progress or we can reframe our approach. Perhaps all we need is a new perspective.

I don’t know about you but complacency just doesn’t fit me. I’m ready to stop running in place and start leaving a trail from where I currently find myself. It’s our choice to let that resistance get the best of us or start pushing back.

Blind Spots

Everyone likes to imagine that they have sound judgment; it just makes for better sleep. When I look back at some of the choices I’ve made, I see a pattern of using past experiences, research, my knowledge and consideration of potential consequences; I try to avoid any interjection of emotion at the risk of losing a sense of objectivity (and fail miserably) even with all things considered, only in hindsight do we take note of the blind spots in our own judgment.

I’m not simply referring to the blind spots in our choices that reflect upon our judgment but also our blind spots on the individual’s character/integrity that we surround ourselves with. Maybe we superimpose illusions of grandeur on those individuals, only to find that these illusions are mere delusions. We may want to think the world of a person, despite being constantly let down or even despite hearing this individual passing their judgment on us when we have our back turned.  At some point those blind spots come into focus as well as the choice to keep this individual’s behavior in your blind spot or push them away altogether. I know that I will always have my blind spots but once things come into frame, I have the choice to keep my choices, redirect or correct them, keep said friends or let them go.